Title: Flying Without Wings
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 1732
Rating: PG? For implied malexmale?
Pairing: Totchi (Dir en grey)/Kai (the GazettE)
Warnings: None
Genre: Pure, unadulterated fluff
Synopsis: Introspective songfic to the song "Flying Without Wings"
Author's Note: Sadly, I do not own these boys; I just like to take them out on occasion and play with them. Also, I own no rights to the song.

Everybody’s looking for that something,
One thing that makes it all complete.
You’ll find it in the strangest places,
Places you never knew it could be.

You know, when we met… I don’t mean the first time we met, or maybe I do, I don’t know. On second thought, maybe I do. I think, even back then, I was looking for something that was missing in my life. I thought I was happy back then. I had a boyfriend back then, thought I was deeply in love with him, that he felt the same about me. And yet, I was drawn to you in a way I couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t allow myself to, understand. Even then, I wanted nothing more than to make you happy, to see your face shine with joy, to see that beautiful smile that lights up my world. When he and I traveled back home to visit our families… do you remember that? I do. You asked for a bracelet from the Isa Shrine. A simple thing, really. We had planned to just spend a few days with my family, then drive straight down and spend the rest of our trip with his family. I never told you, never told anyone, but I rearranged our entire trip, just so that I could get you that bracelet. Did you know? I didn’t know then why such a little thing was so important to me. No one, not even him, not even me, suspected anything at all. He and I had been having problems, so it was easy to cover it with the logic that taking longer driving down would give us some time just to ourselves. I know now that had nothing to do with it.

Some find it in the faces of their children,
Some find it in their lover’s eyes.
Who can deny the joy it brings,
When you find that special thing,
You’re flying without wings.

I used to think that the greatest joy in my life was seeing my nieces faces, happy and laughing. I was wrong. That still makes me happier than I could ever hope to put into words. They’re probably the closest I’ll ever get to having children of my own, and their happiness means the world to me. But I’ve found something that makes me even happier. To put it simply, it’s you. Just a look from you, your love reflected in your eyes, and I know that I, that we, can make it through anything. It’s the look you get in your eyes when you look at me when you think no one else is watching, the look that tells me that no matter what we may face, I’ll never again have to face them alone.

Some find it sharing every morning.
Some in the solitary life.
You’ll find it in the words of others,
A simple line to make you laugh or cry.

When I first moved to Los Angeles from New York City, I was deeply hurt. I’d resolved to spend my life alone, not to let anyone get close enough to hurt me that deeply ever again. I made friends, sure, and they were, and still are, wonderful to me. They made me laugh, were there for me when I needed to cry over the past. Again, I thought I was happy. I still didn’t know then that there was a part of me missing.

You’ll find it in the deepest friendships,
The kind you cherish all your life.
And when you know how much that means,
You have found that special thing.
You’re flying without wings.

And then everything in my world was turned upside down yet again. The last person I ever expected to see again turned up there. I was shocked, so very shocked, when I realized that was you that had just joined the online community. And, despite the painful memories it brought up for the both of us, I was happy for reasons I know now, but wasn’t ready to face at the time. I had my friend back. And as the weeks passed, we grew even closer, bonded together by painful memories in the beginning. We understood each other. We’d both learned what it was like to lose someone very dear to us, though the circumstances had been different. From our pain, we nurtured the seed of friendship, let it flourish and blossom. I came to rely on you, on our friendship, more than I could ever remember depending on anyone in my life. I needed you, not in a physical way, but your comfort and support. I could let down all my walls and defenses with you, drop all the masks that I’d held firmly in place for months by then, and just be myself. I knew that in doing so, it wasn’t making myself vulnerable. You didn’t judge me, not even when all my defenses crumbled and I completely broke down. You understood, even without my having to explain, that it was something that I’d denied myself for a long time and needed to get out. Rather than judge me for it, you held me close in your arms until the deluge had passed. I still don’t know what you said at the time. I know you were talking softly as you held me as I fell apart in your arms, but I couldn’t say now what you were saying. But something you said, or maybe just the relief of getting it all out and not having to pretend or even explain… I think that was the moment that something in me realized that it would be all right to open myself up to someone again, even if I wasn’t ready to admit that yet then.

So impossible as it may seem,
You’ve got to find for every dream,
The truth to know
Which one you let go,
Would have made you complete.

I thought, at one point, that I’d never be able to put the painful memories from New York behind me. I thought they’d be with me until the day I died. In a sense, I was right. Those memories will always be with me, always be a part of me. Only, now? They don’t hurt so much anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that I needed to face that pain to learn to truly give myself to someone else, to you. I was battered, broken, shattered when we met again in Los Angeles. You carefully, possibly without even realizing it… I know I didn’t… picked up the pieces and put me back together. You didn’t put me back together exactly as I was before, though. Through your love and tender care, I’m better, stronger than before. Because you added a piece of yourself into my very being as you rebuilt me, made me more complete than I could ever have been without you.

But for me it’s waking up beside you,
To watch the sunrise on your face.
To know that I can say I love you,
At any given time or place.

So much has changed since you came back into my life. I used to hate mornings. I’ve never been much of a morning person, but after New York, it got worse than ever. I literally dreaded morning coming, because it meant facing another day of pain and possible betrayal and abandonment. You’ve changed that, too, you know. I love mornings now. Knowing that when I open my eyes, your face is the first thing I’ll see, that the first thing I’ll hear is your voice, usually teasing me for not wanting to get up… how could I not love them now? Each day is another opportunity to not only tell you, but show you, how much you mean to me.

It’s the little things that only I know,
Those are the things that make you mine.
And it’s the flying without wings,
Cause you’re my special thing.
I’m flying without wings.

Maybe it’s selfish of me, but it’s those moments that are just between us … the moments in the mornings when we’ve just woken up, falling asleep with you in my arms at night, the way you like to just curl up on the couch with me and shut out the world on your days off… that make me the happiest. I suppose I can’t help but be a little selfish when it comes to those things. I told you months ago that I would never presume to think you ‘belonged’ to me. You are, after all, your own person, and I know I can’t own you. I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to put you in a position where you felt in any way that you had to stay with me out of any sense of obligation. I care too much about your happiness to have you stay with me for any reason other than because you want to. But in those moments, at least for a little while, I can pretend that I don’t have to share you with the world. Those precious moments are more than enough to satisfy my selfish streak.

You’re the place my life begins.
And you’ll be where it ends.
I’m flying without wings,
And that’s the joy it brings.
I’m flying without wings.

I know the way it happened was all a bit sudden and rushed, since we decided on it somewhat on the spur of the moment, but without hesitation, I can honestly say that our wedding day and every day since have been the happiest days of my life. I know that things aren’t always easy for us, probably never will be, but that’s life. Life’s not easy. That’s just the way it is. But together, we can face whatever gets thrown at us, side by side, from now until the end. I’ve come to realize that you are not, as the song says, ‘the wind beneath my wings’. You are my wings.

I love you, Kai.
Current Mood: accomplished
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