Dee
08 December 2008 @ 08:55 am
For those of you that haven't been subjected to my incessant and continuous whining about how pitiful I am :P I don't talk about my disability that often. Not because I'm ashamed of it, or trying to hide it. But just because it's simply a fact of life that can't be changed, and I see no point in using it as a crutch or excuse. I don't mind talking about it or answering any questions about it. It is what it is. *shrug* Anyway, I just thought I'd make a list of some facts, for the curious.

FACT - In 2002, I had surgery to remove a benign tumor located between my brain and the brain stem. You can read more about that here, but basically, I'd been having a lot of little things going wrong, and when they did a CAT scan, they found a tumorous mass of blood vessels that had started to bleed out into the brain, causing nerve damage that was, in short, causing a series of mini-strokes.

FACT - The surgery itself was rushed (as in they found the mass on a Thursday, put me in the hospital on Friday, and did the surgery the following Tuesday). And the reason for this is really quite simple. If they hadn't done the surgery when they did, there was a very HIGH risk that the tumor could have ruptured and I could have bled to death, at the very least.

FACT - Not only was the tumor itself potentially lethal, but the surgery was, as well. Of course, the doctors reassured me that it would be fine, but afterward, they admitted that they didn't really know if I would remember anything at all when I came out of it, or even IF I would make it through the surgery.

FACT - The surgery, itself, caused damage to the nerves in my brain. Which is to be expected, really. Any time you mess around in the brain, there is that risk.

FACT - After I came out of the surgery, it showed up that I had had a major stroke. They are unable to determine how much was caused by the tumor and how much by the surgery. But either way, I was bedridden for almost two months, which was followed by a year of physical therapy involving retraining my body to walk and obey my commands.

FACT - To this day, and for the rest of my life, I will have to live with the lingering after-effects of this. Which include, but are not limited to....
- Constant pain 24/7 on the side of my body affected by the stroke. As in, to the point that most days, even getting out of bed is a chore, and even strong pain meds only take the edge off of it and bring it down to a "tolerable" level. Which I refuse to take because they make me groggy, so I just take ibuprofen, grit my teeth, and bear it, and get out of bed anyway and go on with what I have to do.
- I will never be able to walk again without the aid of a cane at the very least. This is because of the nerve damage. My left leg refuses to bend and respond properly, which throws my gait off, making me unsteady on my feet and throwing off my balance.
- I have little control over my left arm and hand. I can hold things, yes, but I don't have a strong grip, and even holding an empty glass causes my entire arm to shake so badly that if there were anything in the glass, it would spill everywhere. I am unable to really control the grip in that hand, to the point that I can't even throw or catch anything with that hand at all.
- My back hurts constantly. They think this is from the nerve damage, too, because even standing up, standing still for more than 5-10 minutes at a time causes severe back spasms,
- I will forever have to wear incontinence pads because of the nerve damage. [/TMI]
- Even now, I still have pain on an almost daily basis, sometimes worse than others, in my neck where they did the surgery. This is from both the nerve damage, and from the muscle damage from the surgery itself. That will never completely go away either.
- Because of the nerve damage, the muscles in my chest have weakened, meaning that it takes very little exertion for me to completely lose my breath.

FACT - These things are permanent. They aren't going to get any better. That's why they released me from physical therapy after a year. They'd done all that they could.

FACT - I am forbidden by my doctors to drive, for obvious safety risks due to my disabilities.

FACT - My doctors have put me on FULL disability, meaning that I am physically INCAPABLE of performing any job outside of the home. Which also means, under disability guidelines, even if I get a job at home online or whatever, I can't bring make over a set amount, or the disability income stops.


And yet, despite these things, I am up at 6:30 every morning to get my daughter off to school. I make sure that she has food to eat, even if that means dealing with a backache for hours afterward, or that on the bad days, she has to fix herself some ramen or Chef Boyardee. I keep her clothes washed, even if that means that I have to sit in a chair in front of the dryer to fold them when they're done. She has clean dishes to eat out of, even if that means dealing with a backache from standing and washing them. I pick up after her, even if it may take me a while to get it done because I have to stop every few minutes to rest my back or catch my breath. If necessary, I walk to the grocery store (never alone, though, just in case) to make sure that my daughter has the food that she needs. I put on a happy face, and deal with all of this stuff for her sake. Because I have to. I have no choice. And despite my disabilities, I am still alive, and not being so was a very REAL possibility. For that, I am thankful every day that I wake up in pain, because at least I DO wake up.
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Dee
16 November 2008 @ 06:35 pm
Because I was asked about it. ^^

Step One

♥ Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

♥ If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

♥ Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ so that the holiday joy will spread.


Step Two

♥ Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

♥ If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.


Teh List

1 - Cinema Bizarre - Final Attraction album

2 - Anything Arashi (albums, DVDs, posters, graphics, fics, fanart, anything) - fave members - Matsumoto Jun and Sakurai Sho; fave pairing - Sho/Jun/Sho (I'm not fussed with the seme/uke order)

3 - Ditto that for KAT-TUN (though I already have the Lips and Don't U Ever Stop singles) - fave members - Akanishi Jin, Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki, Ueda Tatsuya; fave pairings - Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya, Tanaka Koki/Ueda Tatsuya/Tanaka Koki (again, not fussed with the order)- ETA- ESPECIALLY THE WHITE X'MAS SINGLE THAT RELEASES 03DEC!(SO PRETTY! *__*)

4 - Ditto that for X Japan (though I already have the Best of X Japan DVD)

5 - Nintendo DS Lite

6 - New cell phone

7 - paid LJ account time/extra userpics

8 - Letters/cards/whatever; email or snail mail, whatever works

9 - hide/Hyde ficcage (what? I'm addicted, I can't help it XD;;)

10 - muse icons (muses - HYDE, Tanaka Koki, Akanishi Jin, Michihiro Kuroda, Wang Leehom, Toshiya, Tata Young, Kuriyama Chiaki, Narimiya Hiroki, Oguri Shun, Kirito, Matatabi, Maneki, Nakama Yukie, SUGIZO, Teppei Koike, Tamamori Yuta, Park JunJin, Odagiri Joe)



I'm not putting my address here, but anyone that needs/wants it is welcome to ask for it, Just email me at bubblegum.totchi@hotmail.com or leave a comment here asking for it (be sure to include your email address so I can send it to you ^^).
 
 
Current Mood: curious
 
 
Dee
07 November 2008 @ 10:43 am
UGH  
For those of you that, like me, hate the new choppy, blocky, disjointed, non-user-friendly LJ profile layout...

http://community.livejournal.com/changeitback/445.html?nc=215
 
 
Current Mood: bitchy
 
 
Dee
27 October 2008 @ 12:29 pm
If you has a facebook, please to join my for Elven Blood? http://apps.facebook.com/elvenblood/?credit=640610313 *puppy eyes*
 
 
Current Mood: begging
 
 
Dee
No worries. This is just that mega-friends cut I mentioned before. If you wanna stay around, leave a comment. (Comments are screened)
 
 
Dee
14 September 2008 @ 12:25 pm
A.C. out again. Along with the outlet that powers the pc. *goes into withdrawals*

ETA (using Amy's laptop while she's outside) - Laptops? Do. Not. Want. I hate this thing. Srsly. So irritating. And of course this shit WOULD happen the day after I made my claim at [livejournal.com profile] asian100. >__> I'm calling them in just a second. Hopefully they'll get it all fixed soon. I mean, srsly. Cuz, in addition to the A.C. being out, we have no power along one wall in the living room (the one the desk and computer and internet connection are on, naturally), and none at all in Amy's room. And the carpet in the hall is soaking wet where the A.C. has been leaking since LAST WEEK, and they have yet to get here to fix it, even though I told them about it on Wednesday and the girl said someone would be out first thing the next morning.

ETA #2 - Well, he got the AC fixed, anyway. Still no power to the outlet for the pc, or to the hall light or to Amy's room. He couldn't find the problem. So, since he normally works over in the other complex, he's sending one of the guys that work over here out in the morning. Progress, I guess, but but but... I miss my pc. *kraiz* T^T

ETA #3 - Okay, so A.C. NOT fixed. It went back out again. *sighs and pulls out fans.

ETA #4 - Of course, this also means that I'll probably have to put my tcgs on hiatus til they get the power stuff fixed. RP stuff, I should be able to keep up with, though it will be slow, with three of us sharing the laptop, but since I can't access anything on my pc..... yeah. >__>

ETA #5 -FINAL (I hope) They finally got everything straightened out. Some MORON had ROYALLY screwed up all the wiring in the breaker box, and that was causing ALL of the problems. And when I say screwed up, I mean as in.... the compressor for the AC is supposed to run on a 220 current, and whoever screwed with the wiring had it wired in the breaker box to a 110. It's a miracle it ran this long, AND that it didn't catch fire at worst or fry the entire box at the very least. Whatever. The maintenance guys spent probably 2-3 hours here yesterday straightening it out (even the maintenance supervisor came in for a bit). Of course, now that it's running on the right current, we had to adjust the AC to a higher temperature cuz it was freezing us out of here. :P
 
 
Current Music: none *sobs*
Current Mood: frustrated
 
 
Dee
Title: Setting the Record Straight
Author: colorless_landscape
Fandom: Jrock
Character(s)/Pairing(s) : Kai (the GazettE)/Toshiya (Dir en grey)
Rating: NC-17
Length: one-shot, 1618 words
Warning(s) : yaoi
Summary: He’d known as soon as the words left his mouth that he’d gone too far, but by that point, it was already too late. And so, here he was, tossing and turning restlessly on the couch.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of them, much to my dismay :P
Author's Note: RP-based; written for teh Sel-chan ([livejournal.com profile] naturu_rising). I've owed you this FOREVER, and FINALLY here it is. Prz to ignore teh suckage. -__-




I think I’ve figured out a way you can make it up to me )
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Current Mood: nervous
 
 
Dee
14 August 2008 @ 06:31 am

Banner by Maia



Own the Sun is an AU (alternate universe) RP that is based in Los Angeles, America, although the characters themselves are based on real people who are involved in the Asian Entertainment industry (musicians, actors, models, etc; they can be JAPANESE - CHINESE - TAIWANESE - KOREAN - SINGAPOREAN - THAI - VIETNAMESE - , etc ).

In this RPG, the characters are "normal" people rather than celebrities. You can make them any age, have any job, go to school or University, have any type of family background you like...as long as you keep it realistic - or at least believable.

Seriously one of the absolute best Jrock-related RPGs I have seen out there. Everyone is friendly, and even if you have never RP'd before, or just aren't familiar with journal-style RP, someone's always willing to help you out. Oh, and totally filled with crack XD Want proof? Just look at a few of the pairings. :P

Toshiya x Kai
Reita/Miyavi
hide x Hyde
Yoshiki x Sugizo
Aoi x Uruha
Akame
KoDa
Yasu/Subaru
Miyake Ken/Nakama Yukie
JJ Lin/Huang Yida


Word of warning, though. It will suck you in totally, so be fore-warned. XD But it's SO MUCH FUN and totally worth it. XDDD

~Dee~
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Current Mood: hopeful
 
 
Dee
11 August 2008 @ 04:31 pm
Title: Side By Side
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 1140
Prompt: "What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose." ~Henry Ward Beecher
Rating: PG? For implied malexmale?
Pairing: hide x Hyde
Warnings: Character death
Genre: angst, RP-based, AU
Synopsis: Sometimes, even in our sadness, we find one tiny glimmer of happiness, if not for ourselves, but for the ones we love.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own these boys; I just like to take them out on occasion and play with them.
Author's Note: As always, this is for my beloved Miha ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds); sort of a companion fic, but can also be read as a stand-alone, to (in sorta chronological order):
Meet the Parents (colorless_landscape)
Saving the Best For Last ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
2:15 ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Left Behind ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Standstill ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
My Immortal (colorless_landscape)
Together We Are Strong (colorless_landscape)
Sunset ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Side By Side (colorless_landscape)
The Letter (colorless_landscape)

And still, a girl, no… a young woman… stands by the twin headstones )
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Current Mood: thoughtful
 
 
Dee
05 August 2008 @ 08:40 am
Title: My Immortal
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 692 *PHAILS*
Prompt: This fic, by [livejournal.com profile] art_noveau; your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone (My Immortal, by Evanescence)
Rating: PG? For implied malexmale?
Pairing: hide x Hyde
Warnings: Character death
Genre: angst, RP-based, AU
Synopsis: Memories, even good ones, can be hard to deal with when you’re the one left behind.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own these boys; I just like to take them out on occasion and play with them. Also, I own no rights to the song.
Author's Note: As always, this is for my beloved Miha ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds), who is my heart, who is my inspiration as much as she claims I am hers, who is the hide to my Hyde; I only apologize that this is not nearly as heartbreakingly beautiful as hers was. I also apologize for the shortness. I told you I fail at angst. ;__;
sort of a companion fic, but can also be read as a stand-alone, to (in sorta chronological order):
Meet the Parents (colorless_landscape)
Saving the Best For Last ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
2:15 ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Left Behind ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Standstill ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
My Immortal (colorless_landscape)
Together We Are Strong (colorless_landscape)
Sunset ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Side By Side (colorless_landscape)
The Letter (colorless_landscape)

These wounds won't seem to heal )
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Current Mood: angsty
 
 
Dee
01 July 2008 @ 02:06 am
Title: Homecoming
Author: colorless_landscape
Fandom: Jrock
Character(s)/Pairing(s) : hide (X Japan)/Hyde (L’Arc~en~Ciel)
Rating: NC-17
Length: one-shot, 1596 words
Warning(s) : yaoi
Summary: It had been almost two weeks since hide’s ex had had him locked up on a load of trumped-up charges in an attempt to break him and get him back. It had taken every string his eclectic family could pull to get the case expedited through the court system. In the end, it had been worth everything they had done. They had won, hide having won full custody of his daughter and all charges dropped. Now it was time to go home.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of them, much to my dismay :P
Author's Note: RP-based; written for my beloved Miha ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds), who is the hide to my Hyde. Forgive teh suckage. -__-




Forgive me? )
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Current Mood: accomplished
 
 
Dee
18 May 2008 @ 01:19 pm
MOVED
 
 
Current Mood: excited
 
 
Dee
Title: Triad
Author: [livejournal.com profile] duntuchdakei and colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 2589
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Fluff, smut, AU
Warnings: threesome, manxmanxman sex
Character(s): Aoi/Toshiya/Kai
Bands: the GazettE, Dir en grey
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Summary: It wasn't supposed to happen this way. After his last relationship ended so horribly, Totchi wasn't meant to fall in love again. Not with anyone, but most especially not with two different men. Life has a way of handing us surprises when we least expect it, though.
Author's Note: This was NOT supposed to turn out this long. It was SUPPOSED to be relatively short. Totchi had other ideas. -__-;;



Why had Totchi, their adored Totchi, gone and potentially ruined two good things by telling one about the other? )
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Current Mood: productive
 
 
Dee
21 April 2008 @ 07:32 am
MOVED
 
 
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Dee
24 March 2008 @ 06:38 pm
MOVED
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Dee
15 March 2008 @ 08:07 pm
MOVED
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Current Mood: determined
 
 
Dee
Title: Feathers and Fairy Dust
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 1078
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Totchi (Dir en grey)/Kai (the GazettE)
Warnings: malexmale, explicit sex
Genre: Pure, unadulterated PWP
Synopsis: When Kai finds something Totchi bought and asks questions, a demonstration ensues
Author's Note: Written for [livejournal.com profile] naturu_rising. Because when Jagu asks for pr0n to make her feel better after a bad day, we aim to (try to) please. <333

I could tell you, but I think it’d be more fun to show you )
 
 
Current Mood: accomplished
 
 
Dee
31 January 2008 @ 02:47 pm
Title: Sunshine and Daisies
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot/drabble
Word Count: 436
Rating: PG-ish at most
Genre: um... general?
Warnings: none, really
Character(s): Vicki Zhao Wei, brief mentions of other unnamed Asian celebrities
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Summary: Short introspective drabble written for my beloved Miha ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds). Love you, darling. ♥ I apologize in advance for teh suckage. -__- Roughly based on RPG at own_the_sun@insanejournal.com where her Vicki and my Totchi have sort of adopted each other.

I have to remain strong for them. I am strong because of them. )
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Dee
31 January 2008 @ 07:22 am
It's kind of sad when you have 71 people on your flist and only ever get comments from 20 or less. And yet some of the ones that never comment are the ones that are all 'if you don't reply to any of my entries, I'm going to cut you". -__-

So, yes, it's time for a friends cut. There are a few, whom I'm not going to list to keep from hurting any feelings (or forgetting anyone xP), that stay by default. I should hope you guys know who you are, anyway without me having to list it out.

Anyway, the basic deal is: You have until February 15. 2008 to reply to this post if you want to stay. If, after the 15th, you have not replied, you WILL be cut, and you will NOT be added back, even if you comment then. I think two weeks is plenty of time to see a post and make one simple comment. It's not rocket science, after all. Just a matter of seeing who actually reads my journal
 
 
Current Music: Arashi - Wish
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