Previous | Memories | Tell Someone | Next
 
Dee
colorless_landscape
05 August 2008 @ 08:40 am
My Immortal; hide/Hyde; PG; yaoi  
Title: My Immortal
Author: colorless_landscape
Chapter: One-shot
Word Count: 692 *PHAILS*
Prompt: This fic, by [livejournal.com profile] art_noveau; your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone (My Immortal, by Evanescence)
Rating: PG? For implied malexmale?
Pairing: hide x Hyde
Warnings: Character death
Genre: angst, RP-based, AU
Synopsis: Memories, even good ones, can be hard to deal with when you’re the one left behind.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own these boys; I just like to take them out on occasion and play with them. Also, I own no rights to the song.
Author's Note: As always, this is for my beloved Miha ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds), who is my heart, who is my inspiration as much as she claims I am hers, who is the hide to my Hyde; I only apologize that this is not nearly as heartbreakingly beautiful as hers was. I also apologize for the shortness. I told you I fail at angst. ;__;
sort of a companion fic, but can also be read as a stand-alone, to (in sorta chronological order):
Meet the Parents (colorless_landscape)
Saving the Best For Last ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
2:15 ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Left Behind ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Standstill ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
My Immortal (colorless_landscape)
Together We Are Strong (colorless_landscape)
Sunset ([livejournal.com profile] _defyingtheodds)
Side By Side (colorless_landscape)
The Letter (colorless_landscape)



I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

It’s been six months now, six long and endless months since you were taken away from me in a bitter twist of Fate that was so similar to the way I lost my parents that it would have been almost laughable had my laughter not been stolen from me that day. How is it that even now, even after all these months, you are still very much a presence here in this house that we made a home?

There are times when I feel like nothing more than a spirit, caught in limbo, wandering through an over sized mausoleum, as I go through the daily motions of continuing to live in this once-too-small house, and I consider moving. And then I’ll catch just a hint, barely there anymore, of your scent, in your pillow, on the couch, and I could never leave.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

Those are the nights that I hug your pillow close as I cry myself to sleep even as a smile plays on my lips because I can so easily hear your voice teasing yet again for being such a girl sometimes. Those are also the times when I want to rage at the Universe for the unfairness of it all, to curse Fate for being so cruel, to be mad at you for leaving me behind.

But I don’t do any of those things. Why? Because those are also the nights that I’m more scared than I ever have been in my life. As hard as it is to face the reminder that you were there, but are now gone, it scares me, too. I’m terrified of the day that those things are gone, of the day that I forget to feel anymore.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I never realized, no matter how many times you tried to tell me, how much I did for you. Only now, now that you’re no longer here for me to do things for, only now do I realize that it was a completely even two-way street. Because, you were right about me being “the girl”, and you were constantly comforting me or trying to drive away my fears and doubts and insecurities. Only now that you’re gone do I realize how very much simply letting you do those things for me helped you in return.

People say that when the one you love dies, they take a piece of you with them. I disagree with that. You didn’t take a piece of me with you. You took all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Remembering you is the easy part. There’s rarely a moment that passes that I’m not reminded of you, that it doesn’t pass unbidden through my mind how much you would have enjoyed whatever it is I’m doing at the time, that I don’t see your smile, hear your laughter. Those times are easier to deal with than the times that I forget, that I wake from a particularly good dream and roll over to find your empty pillow, to be reminded that you’re taken from me forever. No, remembering isn’t hard. It’s the times that I forget. Those are the times that it’s the hardest. Those are the times that I give in to my grief and let myself mourn, for you, for Sumire, for myself, for us.
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: angsty
 
8 songbirds | Sing with me
 
( Post a new comment )
[identity profile] duntuchdakei.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
;______________________; that was beautiful.

People say that when the one you love dies, they take a piece of you with them. I disagree with that. You didn’t take a piece of me with you. You took all of me.

I love that part the most
[identity profile] bubblegumtotchi.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 07:52 pm (UTC)
*blushdie and snuggles* Thank you.

I kinda liked that part, too. Not only is it very true, but as Miha pointed out below, Hyde is very much the sort of person that, while he has his reservations and insecurities, once those are breached and he lets himself love and be loved in return, he gives all of himself to it. It just fit him.
[identity profile] scwolf-10k.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
as always, so beautifully written ♥
[identity profile] bubblegumtotchi.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 07:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ♥
[identity profile] kurosawabride.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
because I promised a constructive review :P
There are times when I feel like nothing more than a spirit, caught in limbo, wandering through an oversized mausoleum, as I go through the daily motions of continuing to live in this once-to-small house, and I consider moving. And then I’ll catch just a hint, barely there anymore, of your scent, in your pillow, on the couch, and I could never leave.

I think this is beautiful. When we lose something, sometimes we just want to escape to a place where there's nothing that reminds us of our loss and at the same time, we're suckers for pain and when we catch just a HINT of that memory, we find ourselves inevitably stuck. This is a very real human situation and you described it very well - the feeling of being in limbo when dealing with a huge loss.

Because, you were right about me being “the girl”, and you were constantly comforting me or trying to drive away my fears and doubts and insecurities. Only now that you’re gone do I realize how very much simply letting you do those things for me helped you in return.

I like this part. Sometimes when being with someone, we feel we might be a tad too selfish and think that we're not doing enough for them in spite of their reassurances. But there are others who like to feel needed and letting them feel needed helps them in their own insecurities.

People say that when the one you love dies, they take a piece of you with them. I disagree with that. You didn’t take a piece of me with you. You took all of me.

The hardest part about losing someone you deeply care about is feeling like you've lost all of yourself especially when you DID give all of your heart to that person. I think that your Hyde would have been the type who, once you get past his emotional insecurities and reassure him, gives his all in a relationship. This is a testament to how much he loved hide and what hide was to him.

No, remembering isn’t hard. It’s the times that I forget.

This particular sentence broke my heart. Because it IS true. When we lose someone, it's like a constant struggle to remind ourselves that no, they're not physically with us anymore and we can easily get lost in the routines we shared with them and forget.

---

Now, because I also promised that I'd be constructive... yes, I agree with you that this is short. :P It's not a bad thing, no. But I think, given your talent in writing, you could expound a little more on this piece. I'm not saying there should be dramatic flashback scenes and all but it would have been nice if there was more introspection from Hyde since he IS the type to brood. xD;; I felt this was cut short, but I realize that it's a songfic and songfics are...very difficult creatures. XD;;

And I will tell you to stop beating yourself up. You did a good job. Hell, I can't say I win at angst, especially not since I know there are people like you who can write good angst. =P
[identity profile] bubblegumtotchi.livejournal.com on August 5th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
Re: because I promised a constructive review :P
Now to attempt to reply to all of that. :P


When we lose something, sometimes we just want to escape to a place where there's nothing that reminds us of our loss and at the same time, we're suckers for pain and when we catch just a HINT of that memory, we find ourselves inevitably stuck.

That is EXACTLY what I was going for there. And, as we've discussed before, Hyde is very much the sort of person that would get lost in that conflict.

But there are others who like to feel needed and letting them feel needed helps them in their own insecurities.

So very true. I don' think Hyde realizes that, and wouldn't until it... wasn't there anymore. I don't think he'd realize until looking at it in retrospect that, as much as he needed hide and his reassurances and comfort, hide needed to feel needed. Much in the same way OUR relationship works.

The hardest part about losing someone you deeply care about is feeling like you've lost all of yourself especially when you DID give all of your heart to that person. I think that your Hyde would have been the type who, once you get past his emotional insecurities and reassure him, gives his all in a relationship. This is a testament to how much he loved hide and what hide was to him.

Again, exactly what I was going for. Hyde very much is that sort of person. He has his hang-ups and reservations and doubts, but once someone gets past all that and he lets himself love, he gives everything he has to that person. The way he sees it, when they met, he wasn't living, merely existing. Then along came hide and gently prodded him back into the Land of the Living. So in a very real sense, hide WAS his life. Sumire, too, of course, but yeah.

When we lose someone, it's like a constant struggle to remind ourselves that no, they're not physically with us anymore and we can easily get lost in the routines we shared with them and forget.

*nods* And Hyde is very much a creature of routines and habit. I can very easily picture him being in the middle of cooking something for him and Sumire, or watching something, and, out of habit, turning to say something to hide, and being all "oh... right... ;__;" And ironically, I wrote that part first. LOL Even funnier? The idea came from an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They touched on that on one of the episodes, and it stuck with me.

---------------

LIES! ALL LIES! :P

Yeah, I'm not happy that it turned out so short. Part of the problem was it being a songfic, yeah. But I also ran into the same problem that hide has run up against a time or two already. Yes, Hyde is VERY MUCH the brooding type. But he's more the go-off-into-his-own-little-corner-and-quietly-brood sort, than the sort to rant and rail and ramble on and on. So, despite his hounding me to write this, once I started, he was all "you're on your own 8D". *pokes at him* Evil brat. Yeah, that's part of why I generally loathe songfics, in general. They never really feel... wrapped up right, yanno? It also kinda got cut short cuz I was... having a bit of difficulty typing.

And I know we agreed to disagree, but AGAIN WITH MOAR LIEZ! :P
[identity profile] kagome-angel.livejournal.com on August 8th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
I don't know why you said I should ignore this! *wipes at tears* I read Papaya's and it made me cry and this one made me cry to and alskdjfpawoeitjpwoituj0w3896uopijp46y it's too early for this. JUST WAIT TIL I POST THE NEXT AXEL/ROXAS FIC. AND THEN I'LL GET YOU BACK! *shakes fist* XD

No, seriously. Did you doubt the beauty of this? *sniffs* It's heartbreaking too, and damnit, I still wish I could come up with similies and metaphors like you do.

I'm going to try my best to pick out my favorite quotes and not quote the whole thing back at you. *LOL*

and I consider moving. And then I’ll catch just a hint, barely there anymore, of your scent, in your pillow, on the couch, and I could never leave.

;___________________________; HYDE. *CUDDLES HIM*

Only now that you’re gone do I realize how very much simply letting you do those things for me helped you in return.

That line actually hit very close to home for me, so... yeah. *more tears*

People say that when the one you love dies, they take a piece of you with them. I disagree with that. You didn’t take a piece of me with you. You took all of me.

Best line(s), in my opinion. I have to agree with [livejournal.com profile] duntuchdakei.

It’s the times that I forget. Those are the times that it’s the hardest.

Also hits really really close to home. Reminds me of the fic (http://users.livejournal.com/_newworld/28890.html#cutid1) I wrote shortly after Kyle was killed.

I NEEDS TO READ HAPPY FIC NAO.

*cuddles you lots* Seriously, though. You put a lot of emotion into so few words, and you deserve applause for that! *applauds* ^_^ <33333333333333
[identity profile] bubblegumtotchi.livejournal.com on August 8th, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
*snugglepets and wipes tears* Well, you know me. I'm never gonna be happy with anything I write. LOL Plus, I rarely write angst at all, so this was a BIG deviation for me, and yeah, I was extremely nervous about it. And I'm sure you'll more than get me back for it. xP

Now THAT I can't argue. The similes and metaphors have always come easily to me. I was such a nerd about it in HS that I even took extra English and media and writing courses AS ELECTIVES. XD;;

Hyde just... yeah, he's very much the sort that would feel tied to the past. He's suffered a LOT in that house, but it's where all his happy memories are, too. I could so see him being torn between leaving to escape the bad, and staying to relive the good.

And yeah. Miha and I talked about that, too. A lot of times, we feel selfish and needy, and don't see that there are people around us that simply need to feel needed as much as we need them.

*blush* Thank you. I actually rather liked that one, too. Partly because it's so very true. And also because, in a very real sense, hide WAS Hyde's life, his reason for returning to the land of the living, as it were, from the just-going-through-the-motions state he was in for three years after his parents were killed.

That, ironically, was the easiest (and yet hardest) part to write. It was something they touched on in an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air forever ago, and it's always stuck with me.Because it's so very true. Hell, my grandfather died 17 years ago, and I STILL do that. Something will happen, and I think about how he would like it or whatever... and then remember that he's gone.

*blushes and bows and snuggles* Thank you, darling. I'm glad the emotion came through. That was the main thing I wanted to convey. (and okay, I'll admit, part of the reason it ended up so short is because I was crying too hard to see to type anymore LOL)